Joshua and Logan turn 5

My first borns turned 5 years old. This birthday has been a little sad for me. They seem to not be my little babies anymore. They have grown to be very independent "big boys". What a crazy 5 years it has been. At times very frustrating, but wouldn't change it for the world. Having twin boys (note: very active twin boys) has taught me so many things, but among the most is Patience. They have grown to become little people, and has been fascinating to watch.

Since I am not a huge journal person, and I just started blogging as an alternative, I want to write a little bit about their birth story/ adventure.
Ryan and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 11 months and so when the test said pregnant we almost didn't believe it. We found out on our 2nd year anniversary. What a great gift that was! about 8 weeks into the pregnancy I started to have some signs that I might be miscarrying. I went to the doctor right away. I took my mom with me because I didn't think I could handle the disappointment in Ryan's eye or show him my disappointment (I totally regret that now for lots of different reasons.) The whole way there I just kept telling my mom "well at least I know I can get pregnant and we will just try again." I think I was more okay with it then my mom. So here is where my life changes forever . . . The doctor does an ultrasound to see what is going on with me. At 8 weeks babies on a ultrasound look nothing more like a bean in a sac and because this was my first pregnancy I wasn't even sure what was on the screen. He is looking at what seemed to be one baby and said everything looked fine, but continued to scope my uterus with the doppler thingy to see what was causing some of my symptoms. All of a sudden I hear the Doctor say "well now that explains it" and I am thinking "oh what now" he says you are having twins! What!!! no you are kidding right??!! Tears come strolling down and what turned out to be a day where I thought I had lost the baby, I come out of the Doctors office carrying 2!

The next couple of months go by pretty quickly and I am literally beaming with excitement (that and nausea). My belly was growing rather rapidly. I think I was in maternity at 4 months (and this was a first pregnancy!)
At exactly 6 months along I had a doctors appointment which I was going to about every other week (twins are considered high risk, and well now I know why.) I almost cancelled this particular one but rearranged some things to go ahead and make it. I even felt compelled to make Ryan quit working for the day to come with me (what a blessing that was). I was having a ultrasound done like any other normal appointment when the tech asks me if I had been feeling any contractions. No, what do those feel like anyways? Am I uncomfortable all the time? Yes, but I am carrying twins and I am the size as if I was carrying one full term baby. She says rather nervously that she is going to get the doctor right away. Tears come flying down the cheeks. Who just runs out of the room like that leaving us dumbfounded. The doctor returns and tells us there is a room and team of specialists waiting for us at the hospital and to leave now (an ambulance would have taken too long) He briefly explains that I am 90% effaced and there isn't much holding these babies in. Panic starts!!!! All sorts of things are going through my head and I literally can't calm down.

I am checked in and given a shot of steroids in the butt to help the babies lungs develop and given an IV to slow down or to stop the labor because apparently I am having contractions one right after another and I can't even tell. The medicine makes me extremely sick and my muscles extremely relaxed to where I can't even see straight. My eyes would hurt to focus which meant no reading or even much tv. This is where I laid flat for the next 4 weeks, knowing that everyday they stayed in there it would be 2 less days in the NICU and a better shot at having a normal life. I wasn't allowed to get out of bed and had to eat laying down. If it wasn't for all my friends and family who visited quite frequently I probably would have gone insane. Ryan also stayed every night there in those terrible pull out chairs for a bed but one night where he went home to work in the middle of the night to catch up on some rings. Now that is one dedicated husband and daddy!!

One of the nurses that I became friends with told me that the doctors had told the nurses when I checked in that they didn't think I would have made it through the weekend the way I was progressing. On a count down calendar I had in my room I would put a big "X" on the days so I could see the progress knowing that my babies were getting healthier by the day. Four extremely long weeks go by and I make it to week "28". This was a HUGE milestone. Babies born after this time have a 90% chance of survival with out many complications short or long term. When I first checked in at 24 weeks I was told if my babies were born soon they would have a 60% chance of making it and most likely have long term disabilities. Everyone was celebrating this milestone with me, but right away set a new one to 32 weeks. This would get us out of the danger zone almost completely. Five days later my water breaks and the contractions couldn't be stopped. I was dilated to an 8 when they said there was nothing they could do now and we would have to have an emergency c-section right away (both babies were breach).

At 5:13 Joshua was born weighing 2 pounds 10 ounces 16 inches long. Because I was in labor during the c-section one of my contractions pushed Logan up high into my ribs and the doctor was having a hard time getting him out. He made a quick decision and cut me not only just horizontally, but now vertically as well. Logan was born at 5:16 and weighed 2 pounds 12 ounces also 16 inches in length. They showed me Logan for a brief second but they were both taken away to be intabated and hook up to their ventilator right away. In fact I wasn't able to see them for 6 hours later and only briefly on the way up to my room where I had to recover from the surgery. The boys progressed almost at exactly the same rate. They were off there ventilators after 24 hours and did very well just on a c-pap with oxygen. After about 4 weeks they were able to breathe well without the c-pap and needed just the oxygen. 2 weeks after that they were doing well and breathing completely without any help. There stay there was 7 weeks long. It was so hard to leave them down there. After about a week I had to check out and I has to start "visiting" . We went down there twice a day and stayed for hours. Every time I looked at them I felt so blessed that they were doing so well. It was amazing that I wasn't a wreck. I kept looking at these 2 pounds babies thinking " there is no way they are ok" but the nurses and doctors just kept telling us all the time how well they were doing and that they just had to stay here to get bigger and learn to eat. It just didn't make since to me how a baby born 3 months early could be just fine. They were just so delicately small.

When I was on the hospital bed rest for the 4 1/2 weeks I just kept thinking, these boys better be little angels, they owe me big time for going through this. Oh how that changed! The day they were born and seeing them so little and fragile looking I never had a thought like that again. It turned to "how could I let my body fail these sweet and innocent little bodies, these little spirits". I promised our heavenly father right then and there that I would take care of these boys and make him proud. I also promised my boys to be the best mom that I could be to them and to always take care and be there for them.

I believe we went through this and other trials to learn from them and to become better people. I have never taken the blessing of being a mother for granted and I hope that I never will. It is such a precious gift. I love these little boys!!

Happy Birthday Sons!